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Learning to Live Beyond Darkness

From a grieving mother.

by Kimolyn Ferrell

I gave up on my purpose, my will and my fight for life. Each day after school, my boys would come and sit outside of my bedroom door to talk with me about their day, but I would not talk back.”

I It was 17 years ago, but it feels like only yesterday. I can still feel the moment when the doctor came into the room to announce that my son had died. My world came to a screeching halt. Nothing else seemed to matter, my husband, my two other children, my business, family or friends. I could not pinpoint what day it was or what time this tragic moment had taken place. How did our day end so tragically? I brought my son here for a fever, he was only sick, he wasn’t suppose to die. The only thing that mattered at that moment was that my son would not be coming home.

I gave up on my purpose, my will and my fight for life. Each day after school, my boys would come and sit outside of my bedroom door to talk with me about their day, but I would not talk back. I spent my days crying, filled with questions:why did this tragedy happen to me? Why did it not find its way to someone else’s home? I knew it was selfish thinking, but in a time of grief you find fault in everything and everybody. I blamed my husband for months; he had only been right by my side every step of the way. I even blamed God; He is supposed to be in control of everything. Each day I was in this dark hole.

Five months slipped by my family’s home. We were no longer the normal middle class family. My children had only seen me when I came out to bring a dirty plate to the kitchen or drop a load of clothes for the laundry. They had moments where notes were being written instead of conversations outside of the bedroom door. They seemed happier when I wrote back, giving them something to hold onto. My husband had to run my business, which he had little knowledge of. With the darkness that lingered in our home, I felt it best to give my family a light of happiness. It was all so simple. They just needed me to come from behind the dark bedroom doors. It wasn’t easy, but it was time to move forward, putting the pain behind me.

In my attempt to move forward, I realized that there were many things that would set off the trigger of memories, treasured moments and even the emptiness. It was my son’s birthday, Christmas, that I could no longer celebrate. It was the day of his death, Super Bowl Sunday, that I would no longer watch in its annual celebration. It soon dawned on me that I would never see his first day of school, his high school or college graduation. The question still lingers, would he ever have married? I have constant questions of his full purpose and life’s fulfillment. Although it’s seventeen years later, I still have a sense of emptiness. But I’ve learned many things: how to fight for my own life, process the loss of love, grieve and separate the pain from daily existence, challenge my thoughts to find more positive things that matter, and forgive… not forget.

I am often asked about how I pulled myself out of the darkness. It wasn’t easy, but I fought the tragedy of my loss with those things most important to me. I had to realize the many other blessings, my two other sons who also needed my love, of course. My family. I had a business that had been abandoned. It needed the strength of my design and passion for its eternal growth. All of my friends were at  bay, awaiting the light of our friendships. I needed them as much as they needed me.

The adage “time heals all things” has somehow proven positive in my life. In the early years, people will remind you of your loss with inquiry of your recovery. I always smile and quietly think, “does anyone ever recover from such a loss?” But by the grace of God I have found a way to move forward. It was when I decided to step out of the darkness of my own sadness that I was able to heal. Being active and in the company of other positive people has helped me grow beyond my loss. It was the discovery of a new business that brought light into my life, allowing me to keep my son’s memory alive. Your life is never the same, but it can form a new start in the years ahead. I am now on an incredible journey of moving on.

Kimolyn Ferrell is founder of the Dare to Dream Young Girls Network. Learn more at daretodreamyoungirlsnetwork.org.

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